May 3, 2010

• Letter from a cheerfully dying friend

  Following is a letter I received today, written by an acquaintance who just underwent her second brain surgery.

  Kerry grew up on the missionary base in Colombia where I lived for high school. Her parents were Bible translators, working with one of Colombia’s indigenous groups. She’s several years younger than I, so I didn’t really know her, but I have been hearing a lot about her lately through the Lomalinda e-mail connection and Facebook. Besides the cancer, about 20 years ago she went through the painful experiences of having her parents divorce and her father commit suicide.

  The letter is long, but well worth reading all the way through. Remarkably, she was able to write it just three days after brain surgery, even though the damage to her brain has made it impossible for her to read. Here it is:

  Bear with me – this is LONG – but, I have sooo many wonderful things to share with you!!! And, I don’t know how much longer I will be able to write to you all and so am taking the opportunity now while I still can to share some of the great things that God has done for me lately!!!!!

     I am sooo thankful for all those years of typing and typing that make it so easy for me to be able to do so without having to read what I write. Thank you Mom for bringing that typing book of yours from college and encouraging me to practice every summer in the tribe so that it is just a part of who I AM! ☺ I am so thankful that God has allowed me to still have cognitive thought and the ability to communicate even when I am unable to read!!! I am so thankful for friends and family who have generously read all of your emails and words of love and encouragement to me over the past few weeks!!!!

     . . .. soooooo . . . .

     Hello dear family! Allow me to start by telling you once again how MUCH I love you and appreciate all of you!!!!! Your prayers, emails, phone calls — continue to humble and amaze me! I feel ohhhhhh so loved – and what a blessed girl I am to have family and friends such as yourselves!!!!!

     I truly believe that friendship IS the greatest gift that God has given us (apart from His grace and salvation)!

     I cannot thank soooo many of you ENOUGH for going on this journey with me – allowing me the platform to share with you the lessons that I am learning, reading my story of God’s love for me, praying with me as I have asked for continued strength and JOY from above as I have faced the past year and a half. Laughing with me, crying with me, praying for me and above all – LOVING me and allowing me to share my love for all of you too!!!!!

     It has not always been easy – and yes, there are days when I have felt deep disappointment – but I continue to ask God to just reveal His love and plan in all of this and HE IS FAITHFUL – His love knows NO bounds and He has been OOOOHHH so faithful in showing me that Love – it’s truly amazing when you release it ALL to Him and just give it to Him how peaceful it can truly be! And, my lovelies – the peace that I feel is undeniable – and the knowledge that I am HIS – WOW – is it ever humbling!!!!!

     In March 2005 as I saw in the Atlanta airport waiting for my plane to Africa, I prayed that God would somehow USE me to touch and heal my family. I have often laughed about this in that perhaps I should have been a BIT more specific – but, I prayed this prayer none the less and the healing and love that my family has experienced in the midst of this struggle and fight is AWESOME to behold. We have a LONG way to go and please continue to pray for my precious family . . . but, God is at work and on the move! It’s like reading the Narnia tales again and hearing ASLAN is on the move after soooo long with Narnia being held captive by the Wicked Witch!

     Tuesday, was incredibly difficult for me. I was in soooo much pain and for the first time was TERRIFIED that I had waited TOOO long as I have continued to fight with all that I am and NOT been with my family. By the time my Mom and Dwight had arrived, I was just SURE that my time had come and that I was not going to make it “home” to be with my family. What a relief when we found out that it was brain swelling caused from the previous surgery. Within an hour of receiving treatment – I was out of pain and ready to get home and preparing / resting for the next surgery.

     Wednesday morning, getting the PICC line in was the easiest time that I had had EVER. It was good to see all of the nurses in the PICC department and bring them up to date with all that had happened since my last visit with them. I felt strong, ready for surgery and hopeful that all was well to help me have plenty of time with my family. I was still in a place where I was trying to wait patiently to hear God’s direction for whether to continue treatment. I had asked Him for CLEAR direction in this as it is a BIG decision!

     Since December 15th – I have been in the hospital a total of 8.5 weeks – this does not count the time from September through December when I was traveling back and forth to ABQ for treatment to return home and basically sleep for several days before feeling up to joining life again. I have been away from my family TOOOOO much this year – but, at the time – this was the direction that I felt God was clearly outlining for me.

     On Thursday morning – we arrived at the hospital around 6 AM for the 3-D MRI of my brain. About ten minutes before surgery was to begin, Dr. Breeze stopped by my room to talk to Mom and I about what the MRI revealed. Unfortunately, the brain tumors that were removed only three weeks ago had begun to once again aggressively grow. They had not seen this on the Tuesday MRI – I knew IMMEDIATELY, that my dream of returning to Africa for a short visit was over. It was once again VERY clear to me what God was telling me – it is time for me to be with my family and friends – to say the things that I need to say – to show my love and to rest in the peace that God has a plan even if we cannot always understand it. I cried for a few minutes – but, there wasn’t time for much thought as it was time for surgery.

     Dr. Breeze briefly discussed how aggressive he would be with the new tumor growth, what this would mean for my remaining eyesight and how he was going to approach the removal of the last remaining tumor deep in my Occipital lobe. I told him that I was ready. Having the 3 weeks in between had given me time to adjust to loss of vision, get my (remaining) brain around the fact that the cancer has indeed spread to my brain and how serious and quickly things are actually moving now!

     As many of you know – I am terribly allergic to the anesthesia. MIRACLE #1 – I NEVER got allergic – not one single time after this surgery! Not in recovery, not for two days in my room as I have in previous surgeries – NOTHING! Just incredible! I awoke from surgery feeling strong and wanting to TALK. Yes – I was still reeling from the realization of how LITTLE time I have left and that I would not be returning to Cameroon. I prayed that God would give me a gift . . . and WOW – did He ever deliver!!!!

     I had been out of surgery for about two hours and this time – NO nightmares, no illness – just clarity. I could not sleep – no matter how hard I tried! My nurse brought a nurses’ aid named Daniel by to visit with me and perhaps help me sleep. As soon as he said hello – I KNEW he was from Africa. I asked him where he was from. He replied – it would be too hard to describe my country to you – NO one ever knows where my country is. I said – try me. I lived in Cameroon for a LONG time. He just looked dumbfounded – “where in Cameroon?” As I talked, the smile on his face became bigger and bigger. HE – my new friend Daniel, was born in Bafusam – and attended university in Douala – has worked at the Mbingo hospital where I had my original surgery. He is a Christian – his mother tongue is one for which that Wycliffe has finished a New Testament.

     I told him – Daniel – how does it feel to be MY miracle today? I asked God for encouragement – and He gave me YOU? It was sooo incredible – in a moment when I was so sad and devastated to realize that there would NOT be a trip back to my beloved Cameroon – God brought Cameroon to ME! Is that love or WHAT?????

     After 4 hours in recovery, I was moved to the Burn unit ICO as Neuro was completely full. My nurse for the night was an awesome guy named Justin. He TOO was a Christian. I did not sleep until almost midnight that night and we had MANY deep discussions about faith, hope in our salvation, God’s grace and love. Assurances, assurances, assurances each step of the way that I was being held CLOSE to God’s heart.

     My sister Lorrie called around 10 PM for a status update before going to bed. Justin asked if she wanted to talk to me since I was unable to sleep. We were able to conference call Lorrie, Joy and I together for almost an HOUR. The talk that we had that night – WOW . . . do I LOVE my sisters. They have patiently waited for ME to make decisions without pushing their desires or wishes on me. Both of them are school teachers and had both been told by their schools that if / when they needed it – they had the option to take a month paid family leave to be with me. I have continued to resist this, feeling that there was PLENTY of time and that they should continue with as much normalcy as possible because we would have the summer and perhaps months into the fall. I immediately told them that it was time to ask for the month of paid leave. The two of them are working on closing things out with their jobs so that they can spend time with me and help care for me. What a GIFT that we live in a country where something like this is possible.

     My veins are just SHOT – and often, hospital policy dictates that a patient MUST have two IVs in at any given time. During surgery, they had put a 2nd IV in my right hand. A new nurse did not realize that my veins were in such poor shape and attempted to give my pain feeds through the vein rather than my PICC. Oh my GOODNESS, but I nearly passed out from pain as the vein had unknowingly blown. They immediately began to discuss replacing the IV – I was desperately against this and struggled as I watched my Mom deal once again with watching me suffer. Mom was a CHAMP and stood firm that the IV was unnecessary and would not work – basically, they were hurting me for no reason. IVs now take almost 30 minutes, multiple attempts and only last about 15 minutes before they are no longer viable for me. THANKFULLY – Dr. Breeze’s nurse practioner Amanda stopped by to talk to me – we discussed the problem I was having with the IVs – she assured me that there would be NO MORE torture and pain – that the PICC line would suffice for whatever blood draws, medication etc. that I would need for the remainder of my stay.

     She then talked to Dr. Lewis – my oncologist. He kindly suggested that rather than wait until Wednesday for my PET scan – since I was already in the hospital – I should go ahead and have the tests run on my lungs. Apparently, the PICC line that was inserted wasn’t a power line and the radiologists were concerned that it was not strong enough to handle the pressure of the contrast dye insertion.

     I allowed myself to be talked into replacing the PICC line with a stronger one. At 5 PM on Friday, I was about 1/3rd of the way through drinking the barium when an intern came in and told me to stop that there would be no test today. The PICC had not been placed properly in my arm / heart and could not be used. This was INCREDIBLY discouraging and frustrating to me. Why had I allowed myself to be poked and prodded again????

     And yet – as these things began to pile up – it was becoming more and more clear to me that God is telling me – it’s ok dear one – I am ready for you – you can stop fighting . . . come home to me. I have a beautiful place all prepared for you.

     Within 15 minutes, I was moved to the 7th floor in a very quiet room on an incredibly QUIET floor. The nurses were very kind to me – but it was clear to all of us that they knew, I knew – that all that could be done for me had been done and that I would soon be leaving the hospital without much discussion of what the next steps would be.

     My friend Trev lovingly brought Mexican food up to the hospital. We spent a beautiful couple of hours talking about life, love, family, God – grace . . . I have just had the BEST time getting to know him. He is a childhood friend of Lois’ Crosley’s whom I have had deep pleasure in spending time with over the last couple of weeks. I have so missed having guy friends during my time here in Colorado and WOW – God brought a friend into my life at a time when I REALLY needed it. Thank you, Trev for opening up your heart to me when most people would run as far away as possible – not risking the hurt that will inevitably follow losing a friend so quickly. You are VERY special and God has WONDERFUL plans for you, dear friend!!!!!

     After Trev left, I SLEPT – the nurses did not wake me up during the night at all. I awoke around 6 AM – ready to go home.

     My friend Shannon McIntosh and her mother had arrived in Denver on Friday to help me while I was in the hospital. It was SOOOO good to see them. And a great help to Mom and Dwight as they had repairs that needed to be attended to with the RV as well as leaving for Colorado Springs to begin their current mission assignment at the Navigators facility.

     By mid morning, I was released from the hospital and we once again went out to celebrate with hamburgers! ☺

     I have lost a great deal of vision in my right eye again and this time, because of the aggressive surgery, it will not return. I am also back to square one of not being able to comprehend words and numbers. I see them, but don’t know WHAT I’m seeing. This, I now know, will mostly return with time – it’s still scary and frustrating to feel like a 5 year old again in aspects of areas in my life where I was once sooooo competent – but, I continue to ask God for patience, peace and keep my eyes OPEN to the gifts that He is pouring over me every day!!!!!!

     I will never drive again – but that is ok because I will have a beautiful sister and brother in law – not to mention all of my Dallas friends who will help me whenever I need. I thank God in this too – I did not drive in Cameroon for over 4 years – I relied on taxis and walking to get around . . . this prepared me for this loss of independence in a way that I never could have realized. I was having such a blast with public transport that it never occurred to me that God was using even THAT to help me face what would lay ahead! ☺

     So – plans . . . Joy, my friend Scotty and Stephen have worked sooo hard and we believe have found a place for me to live in Dallas. Tonight, Shannon helped me turn in all of the paperwork – we should know tomorrow if all is well. It is PERFECT – it’s about 6 doors down from where Joy lives – so, I would be within walking distance of her and the family. It is WAY bigger than what I need – and yet – this will allow for family and friends to come and stay and to be comfortable while they spend time with me over the next little bit of time.

     PRAISE – My disability check was deposited into my account on Saturday. We began this process less than two weeks ago. Normally – this can take up to six months. However, my case worker – rushed the paperwork through and WOW – sometimes, government truly DOES work the way it is supposed to!!!! ☺

     Shannon and June have helped me SOOOO much – today, I was full of energy and we purchased all of the packing supplies that I would need to get my house packed up and ready for the move. We packed my living room, my books, a great deal of my office and are organized to allow me to finish packing within DAYS!

      Mom and Dwight are on an assignment about an hour drive from me. Mom and a friend will come on Tuesday and Wednesday to help me finish packing the apartment. Friday, sisters Lorrie and Joy arrive. Sean Allison and the boys have volunteered to help us get the Uhaul loaded up.

     We don’t know exactly how much time I have left – but, it is not much. The brain cancer is soooo aggressive – please pray with me that I allow God to show me how best to use what time I have left. Make my conversations meaningful and REAL. Allow me to continue showing joy, love and peace!

     Please pray for my family – I cannot even begin to imagine what this is like for them. I GET TO GO TO HEAVEN when this is all over – they will be left with missing me and sadness. I pray for peace and hope for them during this time! And encouragement!

     So – you guys know that I think I’m funny, and just love throwing a good party – so, I leave you with this mental image that God gave me today . . . you ALL know that I’m an incredible control freak . . . . that I LOVE to throw a good party, LOVE to cook and LOVE being right smack in the middle of EVERYTHING . . . .

     Sooooo – as I step into heaven and find my place there – know that I am just going ahead of you because I want to get there FIRST and get things just PERFECT for when you join me. I AM the hostess with the mostess after all, and BOY howdy – will I be waiting for you with a HUGE hug, a big smile, a laugh of joy and delight when I see you in our Lord’s BEAUTIFUL home with many, many rooms that He has prepared for us. ☺

     I excitedly and with MUCH peace look forward to the next step of this journey – there are sooo many people who love me waiting for me in heaven – my dad, my foster sister Raquel, my childhood friend Deborah, my childhood friend’s sister Heather, countless #s of adults from LML who have arrived before me – Uncle Nate Waltz, Mr. Spracklin, my dear sweet first boss – Fred Dickerman, Chet Bitterman, Joni our art teacher, Linda McMillan, Uncle Harold Beaty, Karis Mansen, Mr. Wheeler . . . . childhood friends & aquaintances – Mark Steen, John Spracklin, Franky Wheeler, Steve Rhen . . . the list just goes on and on . . . .

      I truly, truly hope that I have done a good job of expressing my love for all of you – I think my life has been incredibly blessed by AMAZING friends! THANK YOU for loving me . . . thank you for helping me on this journey!!!!

      LOVE – and please – keep loving each other, because HONESTLY it’s the thing that truly matters the most!!!!

     Kk ☺

   

   

  • 1:20 pm
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